Masterclass: How to Be the Best Mother-in-Law Ever

The do’s and don’ts to fostering a loving, long term relationship with your child's spouse.

How to Be the Best Mother-in-Law Ever

If you’ve ever worried about turning into the “stereotypical” mother-in-law, or you’re just hoping to keep your family relationships strong as everyone grows up and partners up, you’re in good company!

I recently co-hosted a Mother-in-Law Masterclass with my friend, author, and speaker Ruchi Koval. Ruchi has incredible insight on this topic, and as fellow mothers-in-law, we had an honest, heartfelt conversation about what this role can look like when approached with intention and love.

Let’s Retire the “Evil Mother-in-Law” Storyline

Ruchi pointed out something that really stuck with me: pop culture has been brutal to mothers-in-law. From fairytale villains to sitcom punchlines, the stereotype runs deep. But that doesn’t have to be our story. We can start from a place of neutrality and gratitude instead of defensiveness and prove that healthy, warm, drama-free relationships are absolutely possible.

Ruchi Koval’s Advice for Mother-in-Laws

1. Compliment (and mean it!)

Ruchi talked about how far a genuine compliment can go, especially when it’s about someone’s character or kindness rather than appearance. I immediately thought of my own mother-in-law, who is a natural cheerleader. I’ve learned that those small affirmations can ripple out in big ways, especially when you speak kindly about your child’s partner to your child.

2. Your relationship with your child-in-law is your relationship with your child.

This one hit home. Once your child chooses a partner, they’re a package deal. If you’re critical or dismissive of that partner, it feels personal to your child too. Embracing your child-in-law strengthens your connection with both of them.

3. Respect the stages of parenting.

Ruchi broke this down beautifully:

  • Manager: When kids are little, you’re in charge.

  • Supervisor: When they’re teens, you guide but let them make mistakes.

  • Consultant: As adults, you give advice only when invited.

  • Silent Partner: Sometimes love means cheering from a distance.

I loved this visual! It’s such a helpful reminder that our role evolves, and that’s okay. It’s never too late to recalibrate.

4. Shift from loss to launch.

Letting go can feel like a loss, but Ruchi reframed it as the goal of parenting: launching independent, thriving adults. That shift in mindset, from “I’m losing them” to “I raised them to do exactly this”, makes a world of difference.

5. Love them in their language, not just yours.

Sometimes what we mean as love comes across as something else. Advice or reminders might feel helpful to us but overbearing to someone else. The magic question? “How can I help?” It opens doors instead of closing them.

6. Create your own fulfillment.

Ruchi emphasized the importance of having your own interests, friendships, and passions, so your joy doesn’t hinge entirely on your kids’ lives. I couldn’t agree more. It keeps everyone happier and healthier.

7. Always add value, never subtract.

Before calling, visiting, or offering input, ask yourself: “Will this add value for them?” And if you’re not sure, ask! The intention to be respectful goes such a long way.

When There’s Distance or Estrangement

Sometimes, even with the best intentions, things don’t go smoothly. You might feel shut out or misunderstood, and that can really sting. Ruchi’s advice here was both practical and compassionate: reflect on your part, adjust if needed, and if the distance remains, grieve it, but don’t let it define your worth.

Simple, Grounded Tips

  • Fill your own tank: Spend time with friends, plan something fun, or start a new hobby.

  • Model the behavior you want: Stay positive and leave the door open for connection.

  • Encourage your kids to prioritize their new family: It’s the healthiest thing they can do.

  • Affirm young parents: Praise both partners, respect their choices, and only give advice when asked.

My Final Take

Every relationship (especially those formed through marriage) requires humility, grace, and a willingness to grow. My mother-in-law once told me, “I just treat my family the way I want to be treated.” Simple, yes, but truly the best advice of all.

If this resonates with you, share it with a friend who’s figuring out this stage too. Being a mother-in-law doesn’t have to be complicated, it can be one of the most meaningful and rewarding roles we grow into.